11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize