He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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