are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
