Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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