Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
