I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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