i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
