My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
