I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
