At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
