Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
