Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
