Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
