Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
where are you?
Hypothermia
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
