Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
