having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The best revenge is premature balding
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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