I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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