she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
