Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
