I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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