I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
