Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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