we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
