shes about as inviting as chlamydia
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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