remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
