your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
