everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
