i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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