its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
what day is it and did you see me today?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
