He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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