Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
