everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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