i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize