He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
