Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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