Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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