She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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