you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
