i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize