And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize