put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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