Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
