every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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