Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
