I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
