There was a lot of him and a little penis
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize