I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
