I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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