My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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