I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
