I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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