I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
