Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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