smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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