and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
