on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am one with the molecules
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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